The Four Commandments of Halloweens Costumes

Halloween came and past, meaning if you live stateside at least, your bore witness to the best collective excuse for every girl to dress their sluttiest, putting on their skimpiest outfit in the name of a grand societal role play. I personally love it. That said, why should he girls get to have all the fun? In my best attempt to fight back for gender equality, I’ve always been one to use a Halloween to dress in ways to maximize my sex appeal. That said, I achieve it in a little less traditional way than all the hot babes of the world. Before I get into this past years Halloween, I’ll give you a  little history with me and the holiday.

Before I even heard of The Game, seduction, or anything remotely resembling dating literature,  I was a young un freshman in College. My game at the time, or lack thereof, was reflected in my youth a naivete to the world of male female relationships (Let us put it this way, I legitimately owned and wore more than one pair of cargo pants).

Halloween night came about and I was without a costume. Trying to cobble something together, I turned to one of the females on my dorm floor for assistance. “Oh, we can dress you as a women” she tells me, not batting an eye. An hour later, I had my skirt, my purse, my tank top stuffed to give me some knockers. Now, to paint the appropriate picture, I’m 6’ 3”, broad shouldered, and have a big hooked nose. I was a butt ugly women. That didn’t matter. That night, in full drag, a hot 19 year old dressed as a hippie took me back to her dorm, it was the first, and only girl, I would sleep with that semester. I suppose it was also my first and only lesbian experience as well.

I had stumbled upon something that I could not comprehend at the time. I owned my obnoxious ugly women outfit, to the point where real women took notice. It would take me years, and thousands of women spoken too to understand and master what I accidently made happen that night. Fortunately for all my dear readers, I will summarize my findings for you. Let’s fast forward to this past weekend.

The outfit: Sexy Lumberjack. What is a sexy lumberjack you may ask? Well, I bought a cheap pair of jeans and a flannel shirt from old navy (Savings!). I then went to town with a pair of scissors. The pants became hot pants, meaning I cut them to just below boxy brief length. I was showing A LOT of leg. The shirt I cut off just past my elbow, then rolled up the sleeve in a more traditional lumberjack fashion. I next threw on my pair of timberland boots which, me wearing a size 15 shoe, are massive (a showpiece for me). I had blue suspenders, and kept my shirt mostly unbuttoned for the evening, chest hair out for the whole world to see. The last of the accessories included a plastic axe for sexing wood chopping, and a traditional lumberjack beanie. Finally, I kept my normal facial hair which, being a mustache and soul patch, looked lumberjack enough.

The end result of this outfit was, literally everywhere I walk, people would notice, and giggle. Many people approached me. A group of tourists took my outfit as an opening to ask for directions (Who said New Yorkers were standoffish??) It was quite jarring. A man as large as me showing off that much leg sticks out like a thumb, but in an obvious way that everyone knew what I was going for.

With my ridiculous sexy outfit, opening becomes the simplest thing in the world. I would walk up to a girl and say “Hello, [insert slutty girl outfit here]”. Why? If done right, the outfit will speak volumes for your personality with its inherent outlandishness/meticulousness/boldness. A high impact then is no longer needed, as you are accomplishing that with the costume.

I was also able to use my outfit to create specific routines for the situation at hand, an insta-routine if you will. In a broad sense, it’s taking that something specific to the moment you are in, and having material you can run over and over again on people who are also sharing in the specificity of that moment. This can be props, events attended (think baseball game) holiday specific, ect ect. In the case of Halloween, I was able to build some routines around my outfit. When girls would comment about my costume in any capacity, I responded “I’m a sexy lumberjack, watch how I chop wood”. I would then take me ax out and sexily chop wood. For all you curious minds out there, a sexy wood entails a lot of hip thrusting, and treating the imaginary lumber like a girl I’m having sex with from behind.

In my case on Halloween, I approached a girl with a blue sparkling wig, and said, “Nice hair, maybe we should trade costumes”. She looks me up and down at this point, and observes the absurdity mixed with boldness of my outfit. She was in New York for, originally from German, and I’d spend the night at her hotel.

So, why do these obnoxious outfits of mine work?

First, and the most importantly, is that it looks fun. At the end of the day, girls just want to have fun. They take a look at me, and I scream I enjoy having a good time. I can just be standing still and it is still sub communicated. Every girl, when out, whether on Halloween, or any random night in a bar, just wants a break from the trials and difficulties of everyday life. By looking like a good time, the girls will think that being around is going to be entertaining, and they’ll want in.

Secondly, the obnoxiousness of my outfit shows I don’t mind all eyes on me, and that I don’t mind the judgment of the lame boring people of the world. There are guys I encounter out dressed like this that will be judgmental (most likely do to their own insecurities, but alas it doesn’t matter). Fortunately for me, I’ve been at it long enough that I’m unfazed. I had one memorable interaction.

I had approached a rather gorgeous blonde, and she was enjoying her interaction with the Sexy Lumberjack. Half way through a guy comes over and goes, “Hey gay lumberjack” I respond, “Well, its a sexy lumberjack, but I could see how your confused” he then falls back to “Yeah, gay lumberjack”.

Now, I have a jealous BF/wannabe BF/orbiter friend/whatever on my hands. I figure out pretty quickly that he’s threatened, hence trying to out alpha me. Pretty standard stuff, and I simply respond.

“Yeah, flamingly gay lumberjack. Dicks come out at midnight”.

He doesn’t have anything to say after that. Most guys don’t have any game, and can’t handle anything resembling a solid retort. He was flabbergasted by a very simple, classic absurdification. But herein lies the other factor of dressing ridiculous for Halloween, by dressing in a very in your face style, I am welcoming judgment from all, be negative men who perceive me as a threat or hot girls who are suddenly curious. It’s the flip side of the coin; you’ve got to take the good with the bad. The dirty secret is the bad (guys try to put me down, other misc BS), really isn’t that bad.

Alas, I leave you with some rules to abide by for your next year. Drumroll please…

The Four Commandments of Halloween

  1. Thou Shall Show One’s Face: Show off the money maker! No masks, and no overly complicated makeup (Eye shadow can be good, but nothing that completely covers it all up) A girl needs to see your face to sleep with you. Period. Gotta give something for somebody to get seduced by, and we don’t want too much distraction.
  2. Thou Shall Not Get Too Cute: Simplicity is key. A complete stranger should be able to recognize at a glance what you are. The only exception to this is if you have a costume for a niche audience. If you are in that category, that niche audience should flock to you and tell you how awesome the outfit is. If not, its nixed.
  3. Though Shall Show off One’s Best Physical Assets: Show off your best physical assets. I got big feet, broad shoulders, and a big butt. My Sexy Lumberjack oufit highlighted these.
  4. The Shalt Roll Play: For evening, you are the character you dress as. Have some fun with it.

Halloween is an opportunity to take the collective idea of “Dressing up in silly costume” and using it to your advantage. Above is a case study for a successful time, and hope when October 31st comes rolling around next year, you have as much fun as myself.

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