Most Importantly of All, Just Do One

 

It’s a new month of a new year. The changing of the lunar calendar can bring pain though. For me, that pain is inconvenience to my workout routine. Whenever i go to the gym in January, the line for EVERYTHING doubles.  People with new year’s resolutions are packed in, trying to start this one off on a new foot forward. They’ve flooded my terrain. Fortunately, like clockwork every year, February hits and all these new faces are gone. Pleased that my wait for the treadmill is no more, I can’t help but have a heavy heart at the death of these new ambitions. What went wrong?

Being a bit of a behavioral science buff, I’ve put quite a bit of thought into these issues. In the case of the abandoned dreams of gym-rats never to be, I think it’s a case of too much too soon. People don’t go from overweight lothario to Usain Bolt overnight. These people are trying to change their diet, start a 6 day a week gym regime, and quit smoking all at once. I know happens next as I’ve been there. In changing everything, the mind and body cannot keep straight with such a massive disruption. Frustration kicks in, an overwhelming feeling casts its ugly shadow, and the mind decides to ditch the new January workout. The newcomers leave the gym, and the treadmill is once again mine.

Change only lasts when it is incremental. One behavior at a time, repeated over and over again, until that behavior is mastered, then onto the next one. It took everything I had and all my focus to quit smoking. Then, once purged of that behavior, I turned my eyes to dieting. As the weight started to come off, and my energy began to build, I then went on to run greater and greater distances. I got a GPS watch, I bought those new running shoes, and next thing you know I’m signing up for a marathon. It is a one step at a time gradual process. So why would one’s dating life be any different? A virgin doesn’t date Victoria’s Secret model solely because they decided that’s their New Year’s resolution (unless that person happens to be an NBA All Star, in which case they can/should stop reading here).  new year resolution. It’s all about managing one’s work load, and today I share with you one of my favorite tactics to tackling any insurmountable task. The simple concept of “Just do one”.

The first task is to identify what the “one” is. Take any grand goal, and think what is the most attainable, simple, singular step towards that goal. For running, it is lacing up those shoes and stepping out the door, period. No distance, no pace, nothing. Just getting outside. So for meeting women, it’s as simple as going out, using one opening line with intent to one girl you’re attracted to. The idea is by doing it once daily,  we can build consistency, and with consistency endurance always follows. Everything builds from there. We also avoid the perils of too much too soon.

I would love for every man to make his way out and approach 10 women every time he’s out to mingle, as it creates the best odds meeting someone to which a romantic encounter will follow. A 10-timer we call it in the biz. One problem though: it’s fucking tough for 99% of men to approach that rigorously. It can be overwhelming, so overwhelming that a man may not go out at all due to its daunting nature. Same with the diet/working/quitting smoking instant overhaul. Our minds can’t handle the overload – the most logical thing to do is quit.  Self-improvement is the accumulation of thousands of tiny changes executed ad nauseum until mastered. Let us be kind to ourselves, and only focus on one small thing at a time. Baby steps

By attempting just one, we set ourselves up for when that moment our mind’s try to quit on our bodies. The brain is a remarkably creative engine, so creative it will come up with a million excuses as to why we should abandon ship when the going gets tough. Too many goals with too many steps triggers this reaction. We defeat those million little voices with 1 singularly focused goal. For running, just run that one block. For dating, just that one girl. Get that down, and now we make the goal 3 girls. After three, maybe it’s time to ask for a phone number. It’s a process that never ends, as is the case for all skills we desire to master. What’s the one thing all these diverse array of skills have in common? They all start with just one step.

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Don’t Fly Blind, Have a Strategy

 

The year is 2001, and the stage is the grandest of them all – Superbowl XXXVI. The Rams, a heavy favorite and Superbowl victor the year prior come into the game having steamrolled all competition the entire season. The Patriots, helmed by defensive guru Bill Belichick, just narrowly made it into the game, let alone anyone expecting them to win. Belichick, however has a plan.

What’s interesting about Bill is that he never played professional football, let alone Division 1 in College. He had no professional pedigree to rest upon his laurels. He had to prove his worth over and over again his entire career. This game would prove no exception. Fortunately,  having played the Rams once earlier in the year, Belichick had a new strategy to implement he thought could make all the difference.

The Rams offense started with hall of fame running back Marshall Faulk. He was the most dominant player in the league at the time, and Belichick knew stopping him was the key to a major upset, as it would disrupt the flow of the most prolific offence in the league that year – an offence based on rhythm. The entire week in practice, he had one player in a bright red jersey represent “Faulk”. At nauseum, Belichick would ask his defence “Where is he?” . Never a moment during practice all week would the defence not know where Faulk stood. He was a marked man. He’d be hit every play, made to work for any involvement.  The idea was simple, by cutting off the rams greatest weapon in Marshall Faulk, the mojo of the Rams record setting offence would be thrown array. The Strategy was simple, and every defensive player knew what had to be done to execute it. Come the game, Belichick and the Patriots delivered flawlessly that very strategy, and the would go on to win the superbowl not by talent, but by intelligence. The strategy, well thought out, had succeeded. Exactly as planned.

The goal is to be the Bill Belichick of one’s own night out. Focus in planning and execution is essential for success in anything, and dating is no exception.  A frequent problem with men though is that there is no actionable goal, flying blind for the most part. Often guys simply get drunk and pray for the best. ( Well, technically, I guess this is a strategy, albeit a real shitty one.)

As a result, those men will kind of approach girls, but not really, and the drinks start to add up. Suddenly sloppiness and slurred speech beings to take hold.  Unable to hold a conversation anymore, the man then leaves for home celebrating his failure with an intimate date with his hand. Some men do wisen up, and they start considering different approaches. This is where coaching can come in handy.

One of my main goals in any coaching session is to first evaluate where my student is at, and to then give him a day to day strategy, with clear executable goal that rely purely on effort of the student alone. This is where strategy enter the equation, as a strategy is to be picked depending on what that particular man is attempting to achieve. A man trying to fuck girls in the club bathroom is going to have very different approach to one who has approached a grand total of 4 women in his life, and is just getting acclimated to the idea of cold approach.


For said completely new student, the objective is simple. Open as many women as possible, and stay in said conversation as long as possible. A cold approach is an extremely uncomfortable situation to be in for a man who has never attempted such before. Therefore, the man must get acclimated to it. I therefore prescribe low impact, not as overtly sexual material to use, and example being the psychologist opener. It goes as follows:

“Hey, so I’m a little shy, so my psychology told me I should go meet 5 new people each day. I thought you looked nice. So hi, I’m hook!”

The strategy now set, I may have instill some warm up conversation activities, to get the conversational juices flowing with the door guy or a bartender or such. Then, move onto girls. Opinion routines here will be great, as they tend to get all people engaged and speaking in an innocuous way. Chances of hard negative reaction will be low. The goal is long, warm sets, with conversational material conducive to this. I would not recommend my personal current favorite opening line of “Did we have sex last week?”

 

My main strategy is quite different, as if I’m out, I’m looking to make the action happen that night. For this, I by no needs need everyone girl to like me. I just need to find someone who is the same adventurous mood as myself. I therefore will screen girls with more outlandish aggressive material. A girl who is not in my same frame of mind will leave quite abruptly, but a horny girl looking for a night of fun with know I’m her guy. I’m liberated by my goal to take bigger risks, as any one hard blowout will not affect my end goal of going home with someone. I may proposition someone to join me in the bathroom, which will can abruptly end the conversation I was having, or result in some important one on one time. I’m looking to minimize amount of times spent talking with the not going anywhere sets, and expedite the interested ones.

Establish the goal, the set the strategy get you there.  Bill Belichick’s goal is simple, win the superbowl. His strategies then game to game address how to best defeat those teams, and can go into incredible depth and detail to accomplish such. The strategy, as noted in the opening anecdote, is hammered into the players over and over until it is second nature. Once victory is accomplished, it is on to the next team, to which a whole new strategy may be required.  

When I coach, I always have a goal for the student in mind. What tactics I have that student then use change DRASTICALLY depending on the strategy. I apply this to myself. We only have so many hours in this lifetime, so it’s best to be wise with them. Have a goal, develop a strategy, and execute.